I will be able to shop in Topshop. I will be able to go swimming and not displace all the water and create a tsunami. I will fit in changing rooms without banging my elbows or exposing the moon of my arse through the curtain when I bend over.

I will be able to fit behind the narrow benches at Ronnie Scott's tolisten to jazz instead of being offered a chair at the end of the rowI'll be able to see my toes, which I haven't seen since1996 without the aid of a selfie stick. I will be promoted and not have my desk moved toinside the stationery cupboard for being off-brand. "I started writing this book five years ago.

I was going through a really hard time - I lost my home and everything I owned - and the only way I got through it was by writing, and making myself laugh. I have always self-medicated with funny books, and wanted to write something that made women who might be miserable or cheated on or broke or feeling woefully unsuccessful feel a little better. The book is rooted in my reality: I always felt my life would start and I'd be happy once I reached my target weight.

Then I got thin, and life was still rubbish and I still hated my body. I realised true happiness only comes with self-acceptance. So here it is.

And I hope it at least makes you smile. And reach for that doughnut."